Rita Rudner
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita RudnerMy boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Rita RudnerMy mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita RudnerMy mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
Rita RudnerBefore I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita RudnerMost turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
Rita RudnerThe time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Rita RudnerI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita RudnerI wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita RudnerI was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita RudnerNeurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita RudnerBefore I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita RudnerI got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita RudnerMen who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita RudnerThey usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
Rita RudnerI know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita RudnerI love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita RudnerI like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain.
Rita RudnerWhen I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Rita RudnerSomeday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita RudnerI was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita RudnerMy husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita RudnerMy mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita RudnerI don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Rita RudnerMy husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
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