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Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield was an American comedian and actor, born Jacob Cohen.
Found 61 thoughts of Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield
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