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Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg, 1935-12-01) is an American film director, writer, musician, actor and comedian.
Found 133 thoughts of Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from notloving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...

Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.

Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen

Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience: Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until one's demands are met. Phoning members of the 'establishment' and singing 'Bess, You Is My Woman Now' into the phone. Dressing as a policeman and then skipping. Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.

Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Woody Allen

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

Woody Allen

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

Woody Allen

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen
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