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Matt Groening

Matt Groening (born February 15, 1954) American cartoonist; member of the Rock Bottom Remainders
Found 79 thoughts of Matt Groening

Where do babies come from? Do not bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called 'making love'. Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and t-shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said 'sex is good'. All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.

Matt Groening

Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.

Matt Groening

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I will do it again.

Matt Groening

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Matt Groening

Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.

Matt Groening

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

Matt Groening

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Matt Groening

If money is the root of all evil, then why do we have to have jobs?

Matt Groening

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Matt Groening

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Matt Groening

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Matt Groening

If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

Matt Groening

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Matt Groening

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Matt Groening

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Matt Groening

I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Matt Groening

When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Matt Groening

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

Matt Groening

What if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Matt Groening

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Matt Groening

You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Matt Groening

Warning signs that lover is bored: 1. Passionless kisses 2. Frequent sighing 3. Moved, left no forwarding address.

Matt Groening

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Matt Groening

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Matt Groening

I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Matt Groening
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